3 months, I finally found my words.

Exactly 3 months after I saw you. Yes, you. The one who makes me wish for time to stop because if it didn’t, I’d really lose my breath away. Everything still feels unreal. I remember that day, it was Sunday. And during Sundays, I wake up late, probably after 12nn. But that day, it was different. Everything was different. How do I say this? Like I knew that it’s going to be the best day of my life. Yes. February 26, 2017 became a memorable day. That day used to be just an ordinary day before I celebrate my birthday the next day but it changed. It became one of the days, rather moments, that I will never ever forget.

I woke up around 8:30am. I usually don’t get up at my first alarm but again, it was different. I woke up even before my phone rings, and the first thing that came to my mind was ‘d-day.’ I don’t care about how I’d look but just for that day, I want to be the best version of my self. I want to look pretty, I want to look confident… not for anybody, not even for me, but for you. Just the thought of seeing you excites me so much, it makes me wanna cry tears out of joy. I have longed for you and finally, the day that I got to see you finally came. How can I not be happy?

I was accompanied by my cousin. She’s the only person who saw me cry about my worries. She knows how weak and fragile I am. That day, I remember her saying that she knows how much I’ve held my tears before actually crying it all out.

What I was feeling… I don’t know how to put it into words. It’s like every word that exists won’t be enough to describe how I feel. It’s like every words that exists won’t do justice to how I feel.

My eyes keep wandering while we were in line. Seeing how many people were there gave me goosebumps, and that was when it truly strike me. I am just a fan in a sea of millions. But nevertheless, the 9 boys whom I adore so much got these people who loves them also. And I am fine with that. Bitterly fine. I mean, I am glad that they are being loved but when I think of it, as a fan, I wanted to get noticed.

So when we were finally inside the arena, I’ve held back my tears. I mean, I’m gonna get to see you in a couple of hours! When we finally found our seats, I took a deep sigh and stared at the stage. “What am I seeing, is it even real?” I muttered those words. Just imagining that the boys will be standing there in just a few hours and I will finally be seeing them… are all of these even real?

Your songs were playing inside the arena, and all the people inside- including me sings altogether. That one moment right there, with all those people who loves you maybe much greater than how I love you, makes me say ‘we are one.’ These people might have experienced the same heartbreaks that I had, or maybe not. But what matters most right at that very moment was not who came first, but who stayed despite of everything that happened. Knowing that these people loves you as i do, maybe even more… it overwhelms me. And thinking what you’ll feel- the feeling of being loved, i am thankful that i, or rather we, were able to make you feel that way.

And then there you go, already up on stage & performing. If that was a dream, then i’d rather not wake up. I’d rather remain in a deep slumber forever. I screamed all through-out. I lost my voice but i was fine with that. There were some moments that I captured using my phone, & there were some where I captured using my eyes… and both will be something that i’d cherish forever. Moments that i will never ever be able to forget. Moments that i will treasure, that forever will remain inside my heart.

I was screaming but suddenly, I am choking up with tears that I was holding back. You were performing one of your songs that will always have a special place in my heart… At that very moment, “is it going to end already?” was the only thing going on inside my mind. Because I did not want it to end. I wanted for everything to freeze, for time to stop. But I knew that it was impossible. And the only thing that I can do was to live at that very moment.

Everything was ecstatic. From the very start until the very end. Until now, I can still remember what happened… how I felt. From the screams to the tears that finally fell out. All of it. I lived the moment that I only dreamed of. I was able to see you even just for a couple of hours. I was there even when you did not know. I was there, living it.

Exactly 3 months, and I am still not able to move on. This 3 month rule only applies in relationships but when it comes to you, it never will.

I’ll look forward to seeing you again.
I will always be here, waiting.
I love you with all of my heart.


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