Do not put the blame on me when you were the one who started it. Calling someone I love names, right in front of me even if it was a joke, is not funny. In fact, you said that in a bullying tone. I am overreacting? Sure. You do not even know how much they had helped and is helping me. You did not know that they helped me during my second year in college when I cried so hard. By the way, did you even know that I cried? Do you even know the thoughts that had gone and is going through inside my head? NO. You have no idea; it kills me and breaks me down. This is not even about what happened earlier, it roots from different things. Well yeah, maybe you think you have not done anything wrong. Why? Because you do not know how I feel. You do not even ask how I feel. 🙂
You do not even come home early. Has it ever crossed your mind if I had dinner already? What did I ate? Sorry because I do not feel it. So please, do not act like I am the one who started this. I was holding onto my temper but this time, it exploded. When you came home? I asked you a question to initiate a conversation but you did not even respond because you were so focused with what you were doing with your phone.
Do you have any idea how much I hate your “I am tired” statement? It is acceptable if you came home early, but you do not most of the time. You always had a birthday party to attend to, a meeting to attend to, etc. “I am tired”? Well, hi! I have been home alone all day and guess what, I am lonely. Believe me, I try so hard understanding you. I even managed to control my temper better compared to when I was younger. As I grow up, I feel like I bury it all inside of me.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t a mother feel or have any idea how her child feels? If she has any problems? If she has something that is troubling her? If she has something bottled-up inside of her? Because I did not feel that, not even once in my eighteen years of existence.
Remember that one time when I told you that my grade went down a single point? I honestly hoped for you to comfort me, tell me that it’s fine, that I can do better next time, that I should not pressure myself. But instead, what did I get? “You should have done better. It should not be like that.” 🙂 I felt like there was a landslide that crashed upon me and crushed me whole. I felt like I was a disappointment… and I hate how that feels, so much. I did not even feel a sense of encouragement.
Do you know how hard it is for me to spend the night over at somebody else’s house? Because I am scared; because you give me that sense of safety; because it is hard to sleep at night when I do not feel your presence; because I need you there; because you are the first one that I look for whenever I wake up in the morning.
When I was a kid, I will never forget that you’d always compare me to one of my cousins. I never understood the feeling that I felt back then, but now I know that it is envy. There was a time when you went to the mall and the one you brought with you was not me, but her. I brushed it off back then but when I think about it now, it hurts to have such memories. I do not even remember a happy memory with you. Also, when you used to push me at the side of the bed? I still remember that.
When I was in 6th grade, my father went abroad and it was really hard for me. It was hard to adjust because he was the one who would wake me up, who would cook me breakfast, who would tie my hair, who would wash my clothes, who would iron my uniform, who would polish my shoes, who would boil water for me to take a bath… I basically depended on him for everything. Days before my graduation, I got my toga. I asked you to iron it for me, and for you to please wake up early on the day of my graduation because it was still hard for me. On the day of my 6th grade graduation, you woke up late and I went to the venue alone. It was evident that I was not prepared, I looked ugly. Good thing you managed to catch up, with full make-up. You look prepared that if I let you wore my toga, you’d look like the one who’s graduating. (I do not even remember if you took some photos to show to papa but anyway… Lol.)
I do not remember where the story came from and if it is even true, but my father received a contract extension and a raise in the company he was employed. The conditions were he can not have a vacation in the Philippines and stay for another two years. My father declined. Why? Because I was on my 4th year high school and I’ll be graduating soon, he chose to come home. I had two passes for the ceremony- one for each of you. You knew the date of the ceremony weeks before. On the 27th of March, only my father came with me. Your reason was “I was not able to tell my boss.” The fact that you knew the date of the ceremony weeks before, why did you not tell? And when my classmate told me that both of her parents went home from abroad just to attend her graduation, I was envious. It left me the impression that you did not want to attend. 🙂
On my 17th birthday, I decided to celebrate it in our province. I went with my college friends on the 26th and you told me that you’d catch up on the 27th. I knew the chances were low but I kept on insisting you to come and be there to celebrate with us. I knew that you had something already planned on the 27th with your friends but I hoped that you’d back-out from it. Why would you even plan something on the day of my birthday? I just did not feel special. When I came back to Manila, I saw photos of you with these other teenagers that are my age or younger. I did not talked to you for almost a month. I blew up, I asked you why did you choose to go there and not where I was? You said, “they are poor and they need love and someone who can support them.” Oh? Okay, then I do not?
This year, you attended your friend’s daughter’s debut. You were so busy looking for a gown to wear because it was the theme, you were so excited. You asked for my opinion but I did not answer or when I did, it was half-hearted. “Gowns are not my style” was my answer but you know what was really going on inside my head that time? My 17th birthday. After the party, you kept on showing me photos- of her gown, of all the gifts she received, anything about the party. You know what I was feeling that time? Jealousy.
I can not write everything here. Last thing I want to say is, do not blame it all on me why I am like this, why we do not have that “mother-daughter relationship goals”, why I feel so distant from you.
Do you even know how many times … have crossed my mind?